I am capable…a book in progress.

It is okay to have a past.  It is okay because I also have a future.  Drifting back in time, I started remembering first loves–first loves of varying degrees.  Sigh.

I had the awkward vision of The One. The One I chased and finally caught or got caught up in. That night…I saw him just as I did more than 30 years ago.  Snapshots in my mind. The jaw line. The skin…slightly freckled. And then the overwhelming awkwardness.  A teenager sitting on our couch, half-undressed. I saw the curly mop of hair nearly covering his eyes. I saw the tighty whitey underwear and suddenly I was nearly knocked out of the memory by embarrassment and shame…shame of my youth and uncertainty.  And then I stopped myself.  No!  It is okay!  It is okay to have this memory and to have felt those feelings. And it is okay and a blessing that my mind took in so many details that more than three decades later I can close my eyes and see–almost feel–the presence of someone now so long gone.

I am no longer a teenager–far from it.  And I didn’t make the best choices, but they were my choices.  It is okay that I allowed myself to feel what I did both then and now.

I was capable of knowing first love…many different types of first loves. This memory.  This was tumultuous, difficult…somewhat destructive first love.  And I am glad I experienced it.  This memory.  That night.  The years that followed.  I’m glad I experienced it all.  Acknowledging now how I was responsible for much of the struggle and heartache that followed allows me to take accountability and grow in my personal journey.  I am capable. I am capable of making mistakes.  I’m sorry, Albert (not his real name but an inside joke).  I’m sorry that I helped create the monster that you became and the one that eventually overcame you.

I remember sitting in the back of a pickup, noticing the icy blue look of your eyes.  I remember telling you I wanted to know what was behind them.  I thought I was going to “fix” you.  You were a sad, lonely, abandoned, hurt little boy trapped inside an angry teenager.  I was a fool.  In this life, we don’t “fix” people.  We simply need to love them.